Don’t say I didn’t warn you.

Since I could go on and on about Sherlock at this point, I’ve decided the best way to handle the newly-attained crushing obsession I have is to limit this discussion to season two as a whole, and when it airs in North America in the summer, I’ll recap each episode so we can hash over every tiny detail and electrically hug one another to get through what could be a very long wait for season 3. In the meantime, though, we have plenty to talk about. For instance, this:

Mycroft is such an asshole

In the lore of Sherlock Holmes, older brother Mycroft is even more brilliant than Sherlock but he doesn’t like “legwork” (which he acknowledged in “The Great Game” with the line, “It involves legwork”). Arthur Conan Doyle never goes in depth about the Holmes boys’ childhood and through the various iterations of Sherlock Holmes over the years, Mycroft, like Lestrade, is often re-imagined since his original character is merely sketched in. Personally, the television Mycroft is my favorite. Played by series co-creator Mark Gatiss, he’s dapper and posh and a huge snob and the most condescending bastard you’ll meet this side of Sherlock himself. I also like that they’ve made him a grey eminence in the British government—of course Mycroft would be a behind-the-scenes king maker. When he was first introduced, I thought yes, this is PRECISELY what a modern-day Mycroft would be doing.

But god, do we hate Mycroft! I’ve seen some people bitching about his shocking error in telling Moriarty Sherlock’s actual history, saying it was out of character, but if you think about it, it actually makes sense. Mycroft is kinda sorta likeable at times, such as when he conspires with Watson to take care of Sherlock after Irene Adler’s “death”, but on the whole, I don’t like him. Further, I don’t think we’re supposed to like him all that much. Sherlock is a grown man—in his THIRTIES—who is capable of taking care of himself (despite constantly making Watson and Mrs. Hudson do minor tasks for him—that’s just laziness). Yet Mycroft consistently talks down to Sherlock, condescends to him, belittles his efforts solving crimes, many of which are police cases, and tries to manage Sherlock’s life in a way that suggests Mycroft doesn’t think much of his brother’s decisions.

We get two prime examples of just how poorly Mycroft rates Sherlock in the season two opener, “A Scandal in Belgravia”. Yes, he and his palace flunkies call Sherlock to help with Irene Adler, but I got the feeling that Mycroft only did that because he didn’t want to involve any official personnel in the delicate matter of a royal family member caught in a sex scandal (who do you suppose they were alluding to?), or call the police for the same reason. Mycroft wanted to keep the Adler Situation in house, so to speak, but couldn’t actually use anyone from his house. So he calls Sherlock. But as the situation spirals out of control, he ends up apologizing to Sherlock for putting him in the way of Adler, having underestimated the effect a sexy dominatrix would have on his asexual brother.

And that’s the second point when we see Mycroft’s disparaging treatment of Sherlock. At the beginning of the episode Sherlock says, “Sex doesn’t intimidate me,” and Mycroft responds, “How would you know?” Next time you watch this episode, pause on Sherlock’s face. He isn’t mad at Mycroft for saying that, he’s HURT. It’s a split-second reaction from Benedict Cumberbatch (who, it cannot be said enough, is not only one of the best actors out there, but is PHENOMENAL as Sherlock) and it’s clearly a look of deep hurt and mortification, that Mycroft would make such a casual, mean-spirited remark about something so private to Sherlock. Although, it did solve the mystery of Sherlock’s sexuality. He’s a virgin! Which is kind of funny, admit it. The way Cumberbatch plays Sherlock, it easily could have gone the other way and he’d be a closet sex freak. But the virgin route allows for Sherlock to be a bit vulnerable. He can say it doesn’t intimidate him, but obviously something about sex scares him or he wouldn’t have blocked it out of his life entirely (readers of the ACD books probably have an inkling as to why Sherlock would choose not to have sex). Also, it gave us this:

Since Mycroft has already underestimated Sherlock and the kind of people that are drawn to him once with the Adler Situation, should it really be such a surprise that he’d underestimate Moriarty, too? Mycroft doesn’t take Sherlock seriously, so why should he take the obvious nutter who’s fixated on him seriously? He doesn’t, not really, which is why he spills his guts about Sherlock, giving Moriarty all the ammunition he’ll need to take him down. Watson’s disbelief at this betrayal is palpable (and beautifully acted by Martin Freeman) but there’s also an edge of frustrated anger, a subtext of, why don’t you understand how serious this all is. One thing I’m really looking forward to in season 3 is how Mycroft and Sherlock’s relationship changes in the wake of Mycroft’s staggering stupidity.

Moriarty’s plan is totally full of holes

“Unhinged” is not how Moriarty is usually described. But as written for the 21^st century and as played by Andrew Scott, Moriarty is the Joker to Sherlock’s Batman. He’s the kind of person who just wants to watch the world burn. Color me shocked that there are people—and not an insignificant number of them—who don’t like the Moriarty in Sherlock. At first, I admit, I didn’t really understand the need for such a fey, loony take on Moriarty. But as “The Reichenbach Fall” played out, it became clear that Moriarty had to be nuts. Crazy like a fox, certainly, but also willing to blow his brains out in order to best Sherlock. He has to be willing to go to those lengths and only a crazy person could go there. Therefore, Moriarty + Batshit Insane = Perfectly Acceptable.

Obviously once the shock wore off from the ending of the final episode, “The Reichenbach Fall”, I began to think over how Sherlock’s life unraveled at the hands of Moriarty and I quickly realized that Moriarty’s entire plot was full of huge, gaping holes. I’m sure you did, too. There are big logic gaps, not the least of which is: If Richard Brook was a television presenter, why didn’t anyone recognize him at his trial? Further, since Sherlock’s motives are now in question, at some point Scotland Yard will have to review all the cases he worked on and as they clear the cases, surely someone would say, “Hey, maybe Sherlock wasn’t full of shit after all.” And let’s not forget about Moriarty’s body on the same rooftop from which Sherlock jumped. Eventually someone’s going to find it and wonder what the hell happened. In fact, the more you think over Moriarty’s plan, the more you realize it’s a house of cards. It doesn’t hold up at all.

But then, it doesn’t have to. Moriarty’s goal wasn’t just the destruction of Sherlock’s reputation; it was to get Sherlock to jump off that rooftop. By destroying his reputation, he makes the fact of Sherlock’s suicide believable. Character assassination was the means, not the end. But that’s what made Moriarty’s plan so brilliant. It didn’t have to hold together, it only had to work. And it did work, because Sherlock’s besetting sin is vanity and essentially Moriarty got to him by turning his vanity against him. It works really well in the short term but with even a minimal-effort second look it falls apart quickly. I’ve seen some people dismiss this as poor plotting but I think they’re missing the elegance of Moriarty’s thinking. How much worse will those who turned against Sherlock feel when they realize they fell for a really stupid story? Moriarty didn’t just succeed in getting rid of Sherlock—he left those who knew him with a nasty mix of guilt and grief as a bonus. And yes, I think Moriarty is dead for realsies. He dies in the ACD stories and Moffat and Gatiss are pretty loyal to that framework. Also, if you look, you can see a bit of brain matter in the blood pool. Gross, but effective.

How did he DO that

So who else was a crying mess at the end of “The Reichenbach Fall”? Having read the ACD stories, when I saw the title of the episode I knew something like that was coming, but I still wasn’t ready for the phone call between Sherlock and Watson, or Watson’s speech at Sherlock’s grave. And then that final shot of Sherlock—I literally gasped and said “what the fuck” out loud. And then I promptly began trawling the internets for theories and speculation on just how Sherlock faked his death. Theories range from the simple—he landed in the laundry truck—to the complex—there’s a clone! I’m afraid to speculate fully because we’ve been left with the challenge of trying to out-guess Sherlock Holmes and I mean, COME ON.

I do think that the solution to Sherlock’s riddle is both simpler and more complex than any theory I’ve heard so far. I definitely think that truck was involved, and the guy who knocked down Watson clearly did that on purpose, to delay him. Sherlock was adamant that Watson stay in a particular place to watch him jump, that’s going to matter. I don’t think Mycroft was in on it, though. No real reason, except he’s a giant asshole who sold out his brother. I think Molly is the only person who knows the truth about what Sherlock did. And no, I don’t think there was ever any kind of body switch. Sherlock jumped, Sherlock fell, Sherlock landed, Sherlock was on the stretcher. The only question is how did he not die?

The thing I can’t get over is why he told Watson he’d been faking all along on the phone at the end. What point did that serve? And he made sure to toss the phone on the roof before he jumped. To preserve it? THIS IS THE CLIFFHANGER FROM HELL. And what did Molly do? (OMG Molly. How much do we love her?! I wanted to punch Sherlock in the face in “Scandal” when he humiliated Molly at the Christmas party, but he made up for that and every other slight he’s dealt her when he turned to her for help.) The obvious answer is that she faked a death certificate for him and helped him out of the hospital, but she’s the only person he trusted to know what he was doing before he went to the roof to meet Moriarty. The secrets Molly must be keeping…

We never see Molly after that, which I put down to it being too revealing of Sherlock’s plan, but we also never saw Lestrade, except for a brief glimpse from the assassin’s point of view. His faith in Sherlock was badly shaken but ultimately, even though he had to turn him in, Lestrade still believed in Sherlock. And it was kind of sweet, in a backwards way, that Moriarty identified Lestrade as a friend of Sherlock’s. Their relationship definitely warmed up throughout season two, and Lestrade got one of the best lines in the series: “That fits with his…Asperger’s?” Makes me wonder how much Lestrade will have to do with restoring Sherlock’s reputation. Also makes me wonder if the phone wasn’t left more for Lestrade than for Watson. I can’t let the phone go—he threw it so deliberately. And WHY did he lie to Watson at the end? That bugs me more than thinking about how he survived the fall.

And now we wait

Ugh. Season three is at least a year away, the emphasis on “at least”. Cumberbatch and Freeman are both extremely busy and shooting season two was difficult enough, sandwiched in between filming periods for The Hobbit. They did film some scenes while working on “Reichenbach”, though, which was probably done for continuity’s sake (Sherlock’s reveal, perhaps?). So I suspect season three will open as two did, by picking immediately where we left off then skipping ahead in time. But the wait. Dear lord, THE WAIT. Nothing to do but stand around, speculating. And waiting.

Where the Oscar nominations irk me this year is in their complete lack of imagination. The Academy has certain tastes that dictate a lot of the decision making, but given how split opinions were in 2011, this would have been a good year to step outside those zones and explore more options for nominees. For instance, the actors almost always nominate hand-wavy, attention-getting performances. This is how I knew Ryan Gosling, despite throwing down an amazing performance in Drive, wouldn’t get nominated—he barely said three words together throughout the film and his biggest moments were so violent you couldn’t cut them into a sizzle reel for prime time. Ditto for The Fassbender—I thought he’d get nominated simply because he turned in four wildly diverse performances in 2011, but I did worry that Shame, his best chance at a nomination, was too contained to appeal to the people who made Tropic Thunder’s “never go full retard” joke possible.

Here’s the complete list of nominees, below is the list with my corrections for the Year In Oscar That Should Have Been. (We’ll get to handicapping winners in a few weeks, closer to the ceremony.) While there are a lot of changes I’d make, there are some much deserved, surprising nominations that almost balance out the obvious idiocy of a few of these nods. Almost, but not quite.

Best Picture

The Artist – I didn’t love this movie but I’ll accept that I’m in the minority and let it stand.

The Descendants

Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close – Not in a million years. This one was bought and paid for, there’s no other explanation.

The Help – Also a big fat NO. White Guilt: The Movie is in no way one of the best pictures of the year. Best Picture of Cheaply Absolving Hundreds of Years of Racism, sure.

Hugo – Drive

Midnight in Paris – Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy

Moneyball – Win Win

The Tree of Life – As much as I think The Tree of Life will age better than 99% of this list, I did not think it was one of the best pictures of the year. It’s cut in favor of getting down to just 5 nominees.

War Horse

Best Director

Michel Hazanavicius, The Artist

Alexander Payne, The Descendants

Martin Scorsese, Hugo – Tomas Alfredson, Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy

Woody Allen, Midnight in Paris – I’ll give him the writing but Allen’s direction is not special.

It should be: Paddy Considine, Tyrannosaur

Terrence Malick, The Tree of Life – See, here’s where I leave Tree. Best Picture and Best Director don’t HAVE to go hand-in-hand. There’s nothing wrong with saying a directorial effort can be better than the final product.

Best Adapted Screenplay

Alexander Payne and Nate Faxon & Jim Rash, The Descendants – You guys, the Dean got a nomination!

John Logan, Hugo – Coriolanus

George Clooney & Grant Heslov and Beau Willimon, The Ides of March – Are you shitting me?

It should be: Hossein Amini, Drive

Steve Zaillian, Aaron Sorkin and Stan Chervin, Moneyball – Discounted for that dumbass family subplot.

It should be: Lynne Ramsey and Rory Kinnear, We Need to Talk About Kevin

Bridget O’Connor & Peter Straughan, Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy

Best Original Screenplay

Michel Hazanavicius, The Artist – I can’t give it this. It’s too obviously a mash-up of Singin’ in the Rain and Sunset Boulevard.

It should be: Tom McCarthy, Win Win

Annie Mumolo & Kristen Wiig, Bridesmaids – Will Reiser, 50/50

J.C. Chandor, Margin Call

Woody Allen, Midnight in Paris

Asghar Farhadi, A Separation – John Michael McDonagh, The Guard

Best Actor

Demian Bichir, A Better Life – A well deserved surprise.

George Clooney, The Descendants – He was good. He was really good. Better than he’s been in a while. But when push comes to shove…

It should be: Ryan Gosling, Drive

Jean Dujardin, The Artist – Look, I’ve let The Artist keep Best Picture/Director but really…

It should be: Peter Mullan, Tryannosaur

Brad Pitt, Moneyball – Bumping him down to Supporting because…

It should be: Michael Fassbender, Shame

Gary Oldman, Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy – HA!

Best Actress

Glenn Close, Albert Nobbs

Viola Davis, The Help – I’m going to let this ride because Davis was so good it was like she was acting in an entirely different, much more serious and sincere film.

Rooney Mara, The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo – Just for never once telling us how ALOOF she is…

It should be: Charlize Theron, Young Adult

Meryl Streep, The Iron Lady – We all love Meryl but please. This was not her best. This was a cartoon.

It should be: Tilda Swinton, We Need to Talk About Kevin

Michelle Williams, My Week with Marilyn

Best Supporting Actor

Christopher Plummer, Beginners

Max von Sydow, Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close – An understandably sentimental pick, but…

It should be: Brad Pitt, The Tree of Life

Kenneth Branagh, My Week with Marilyn – Once I saw this movie this nomination felt inevitable, but…

It should be: Alex Shaffer, Win Win

Jonah Hill, Moneyball – You know what? YES. Also, if I’m Sony marketing, I’m working on a new ad campaign for 21 Jump Street today.

Nick Nolte, Warrior – He was good. He was. The whole movie was better than advertised. But this is sentiment again.

It should be: Benedict Cumberbatch, Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy

Best Supporting Actress

Berenice Bejo, The Artist ­– Olivia Colman, Tyrannosaur

Melissa McCarthy, Bridesmaids – If you’re okay going back in time to give Zach Galifianakis an Oscar nod for The Hangover, then fine. Otherwise…

It should be: Amy Ryan, Win Win

Jessica Chastain, The Help – The Tree of Life

Octavia Spencer, The Help

Janet McTeer, Albert Nobbs

Best Cinematography

Guillame Schiffman, The Artist

Jeff Cronenweth, The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo

Robert Richardson, Hugo

Emmanuel Lubezki, The Tree of Life

Janusz Kaminski, War Horse – Spielberg & Co. will have Lincoln in 2012, and by all accounts, even mid-production it’s already better than War Horse.

It should be: Hoyte van Hoytema, Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy

Best Film Editing

Anne-Sophie Bion and Michel Hazanavicius, The Artist – Matthew Newman, Drive

Kevin Tent, The Descendants – Here’s a prime example of Oscar groupthink. The Descendants is well made, yes, and one of the best of the year, yes, but it’s editing was not extraordinary. But because it gets the big noms, it gets the little ones by default, too.

It should be: Dino Jonsater, Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy

Kirk Baxter and Angus Wall, The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo

Thelma Schoonmaker, Hugo – Mark Day, Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows part 2

Christopher Tellefsen, Moneyball – GROUPTHINK. And yes, I’m going here, because this movie by rights should have been a mess but it was actually very well edited…

It should be: Paul Hirsch, Mission: Impossible – Ghost Protocol

Best Art Direction

Laurence Bennett and Robert Gould, The Artist

Stuart Craig and Stephenie McMillan, Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows part 2

Dante Ferretti and Francesca Lo Schiavo, Hugo

Anne Seibel and Helene Dubreuil, Midnight in Paris – Rachael Ferrera, Like Crazy

Rick Carter and Lee Sandales, War Horse – Tom Brown and ZsuZsa Kismarty-Lechner, Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy

Best Costume Design

Lisy Christl, Anonymous

Mark Bridges, The Artist

Sandy Powell, Hugo

Michael O’Connor, Jane Eyre

Arianne Phillips, W.E. – Madonna’s movie blows so bad not even costumes can save it. Plus, half the movie is contemporary and look at this list. Contemporary doesn’t cut it.

It should be: Anna B. Sheppard, Captain America: The First Avenger

Best Makeup

Martial Cornville, Lynn Johnston and Matthew Mungle, Albert Nobbs

Nick Dudman, Amanda Knight and Lisa Tomblin, Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows part 2

Mark Coulier and J. Roy Helland, The Iron Lady

Addition: Helen Barrett and Paul Boyce, Captain America: The First Avenger – Deserved for the Red Skull alone.

Best Visual Effects

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows part 2

Hugo

Real Steel – Traditionally a category where you see bad movies, this is pushing it even by those standards. The robot boxing scenes were messy and headache-inducing.

It should be: Captain America: The First Avenger

Rise of the Planet of the Apes – And this is as close as you’re getting, Serkis.

Transformers: Dark of the Moon – An example of a bad movie with stellar effects. Don’t take out our Michael-Bay-rage on the below the line technicians, who did stellar work.

Best Original Score

John Williams, The Adventures of TinTin – 2011 was an off year for Williams, who usually churns out top score after top score.

It should be: Alexandre Desplat, Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows part 2

Ludovic Bource, The Artist

Howard Shore, Hugo – More Oscar groupthink.

It should be: The Chemical Brothers, Hanna

Alberto Iglesias, Tinker Tailor Solider Spy

John Williams, War Horse – Oh my god did I ever hate this score.

It should be: Cliff Martinez, Drive

Best Original Song

“Man or Muppet” by Bret McKenzie, The Muppets – One half of Flight of the Conchords is now an Oscar nominee.

“Real in Rio” by Sergio Mendes, Carlinhos Brown and Siedah Garrett, Rio

Addition: “Life is a Happy Song” by Bret McKenzie, The Muppets

Addition: “The Star Spangled Man with a Plan” by Alan Menken and David Zippel, Captain America: The First Avenger – Poor Cap really suffered from Superhero Slight this year. It should’ve picked up a host of technical nominations and got snubbed across the board, but this is the worst one. This song is everything that Best Song is about—it’s a good piece of music that fits seamlessly into the film.

Best Sound Editing

Drive

The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo

Hugo

Transformers: Dark of the Moon

War Horse

Except for the fact that Sound Editing and Sound Mixing should be one category called Sound Design, I have no complaint with any of these nominees, except…

Best Sound Mixing

The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo

Hugo

Moneyball – Captain America: The First Avenger

Transformers: Dark of the Moon

War Horse

Best Foreign Language Film

Bullhead (Belgium) — The Last Circus (Spain)

Footnote (Israel)

In Darkness (Poland)

Monsieur Lazhar (Canada) – French-Canadian isn’t a real language because Canada isn’t a real country.

It should be: The Skin I Live In (Spain)

A Separation (Iran)

Best Animated Feature Film

A Cat in Paris

Chico & Rita

Kung Fun Panda 2

Puss in Boots

Rango

Best Documentary (Feature)

Hell and Back Again – I have nothing against this movie but I’ve never heard of it and there was a major oversight in this category.

It should be: Buck

If a Tree Falls: A Story of the Earth Liberation Front

Paradise Lost 3: Purgatory

Pina

Undefeated – Cave of Forgotten Dreams

This whole category is bullshit because three of the best docs of 2011 (Senna, The Interrupters, Into the Abyss) were disqualified through weird myopic Academy rules.

Best Documentary (Short Subject)

The Barber of Birmingham: Foot Soldier of the Civil Rights Movement

God is the Bigger Elvis

Incident in New Baghdad

Okay, sure.

Best Live Action Short

Pentecost

Raju

The Shore

Time Freak

Tuba Atlantic

Yeah, fine.

Best Animated Short

Dimanche/Sunday

The Fantastic Flying Books of Mr. Morris Lessmore

La Luna

A Morning Stroll

Wild Life

If you say so.

First and foremost, this movie was meant to introduce us to Gina Carano: Action Heroine. For the most part, this worked. I accept Carano as an action star. She’s watchable and she definitely sells the physical stuff. I am not saying this as a knock on her weight or anything—Carano is NOT fat—but it’s nice to see a woman on screen that actually looks like she could kick a man and it would hurt. She’s substantial. There are muscles. And, what interested me most—she used a lot of leverage in her fight scenes. In most movies with female action characters, the chick fights just like a man. Throws a punch like a man, moves like a man, reacts like a man. But let’s be honest—women don’t fight like men. We move differently. We have a different range of motion. Carano’s fight scenes repeatedly show her using leverage to increase her force and propulsion so she can take down men bigger than her. She isn’t doing fancy parkour tricks because it looks cool, but because bouncing off that wall is going to boost her momentum so she can knock that guy down. It was visually and characteristically pleasing.

Her acting was not as impressive but she wasn’t nearly as bad as I expected her to be, based on the trailer. Of course, this could be because her vocals were, um, manipulated to help that along. But she definitely wasn’t so bad that I would never see her again. In fact, Carano was just good enough to make me want to see her again, and this time, in her own voice. The rest of the cast—Channing Tatum, Ewan Macgregor, Antonio Banderas, Michael Fassbender, Michael Angarano, Michael Douglas and Bill Paxton—largely phoned it in. The Fassbender and Angarano were actually awake and participating, though Angarano—who scarred me for life with this—has little to do beyond exclaim, “Oh shit”. Still, he’s in it to win it in his few scenes. Can’t say the same for Ewan Macgregor, who was practically asleep throughout the movie. Tatum also appeared asleep, but that might be his natural look because of his deep set, Cro Magnon eyes.

There’s no use attempting to recap the plot. What’s in the trailer is what’s in the movie. These guys betray her, she gets revenge. I wasn’t sure what was happening for a solid 85% of the movie, and not because it was a clever “what’s really happening” construct, like Out of Sight was, but because there was virtually no effort at cohesive storytelling. Haywire was conceived as a series of action sequences for Carano to kick the asses of various men and there was only just enough “plot” to keep her moving toward her next target. This is probably my biggest problem with Haywire. It feels half-assed. Like putting a woman in a serious action role and really making her the equal of her male counterparts is enough. Like that somehow means story doesn’t matter. Well it’s not, and it does. It’s a big step in the right direction, sure, but Haywire still felt like a male fantasy spectacular. Like, for any guy that’s ever thought about having a pretty girl punch him in the face, here’s a ninety-minute dream sequence for you. Some characterization would have gone a long way to making Mallory Kane feel less like a video game character and more like a real person.

But the fight scenes are cool. Really, super cool. The standout is, of course, the hotel scene with The Fassbender. Not in the least because this segment of the film involves The Fass Ass in a towel (is this what The Beast looks like?), but mostly because The Fassbender makes everyone around him better and Carano’s best work is in their scenes. Also because their fight choreography is awesome and the lack of any soundtrack adds to the realism. Soderbergh knows how to stage these sorts of scenes and this scene is tense and brutal and scary. This is literally a life-and-death struggle and they both sell it well enough to feel like the outcome matters. No other fight has the same urgency or stark brutality that this one does. The movie is worth seeing just for this one scene alone.

So that’s Haywire. A stylish action movie with a solid action heroine and an amazing fight scene but no plot. It’s worth seeing, and hands-down it’s one of your better options at the cineplex right now, but there’s no urgency. If you want to wait for Netflix or On Demand, you certainly can. Also, the title has nothing to do with anything. Annoying.

As for the best and worst dressed, you may notice there are no men on this list. Between the fact that they all looked the same—Colin Firth’s tux was astoundingly well tailored but it still looked like every other tux on the red carpet—I also had a terrible time finding fashion IDs for them, so I gave up. As always with Cinesnark, laziness is the rule, not the exception. On to the best and worst dressed, which we’ll fight about, no doubt.

Best Dressed

Nicole Kidman made a return to my good graces in a studded Versace gown. I used to love Nicole 10-12 years ago. You know, the Divorce Years in the early aughts, when she had Moulin Rouge and that dark ruby red hair and was free and fun, post-Tom Cruise. Then…it started to freeze. Not fade, no, because despite whatever fear Nicole is nursing about aging, beauty like hers doesn’t fade. Not with that bone structure. But it did start to freeze. And then her lips, they exploded from the excessive jacking and she got scary and her fashion sense took a nosedive toward the doily and her hair went to that awful platinum shade that didn’t flatter her at all and she made Australia and killed my lady crush. But last night, with red hair once again, her face considerably less frozen and looking less third-lippy, she scored a sartorial win. First, the fit is crazy. She looks thin but not scarecrowy and the pleating on the bodice is doing wonders for her tits. Also, this gown is how Nicole used to be, when she consistently was one of the most fashion-forward people on the red carpet. So, for nostalgia’s sake and because this was one of the most interesting, least-pageant-bullshit gowns of the night, Nicole Kidman gets a tip o’the cap.

Also best dressed was The Descendants’ Shailene Woodley in, surprise, Marchesa. Usually, Marchesa is total pageant bullshit, but they do occasionally get it right. Last year, I almost loved Olivia Wilde’s Marchesa ballgown, but that dress was too bedazzled for my taste. Woodley’s gown, on the other hand, gets the beaded detailing right. It helps that it’s tone-on-tone, and that Woodley didn’t wear any statement jewelry to compete with the sparkles on her dress. It also helps that this dress is a fitted sheath and not a poofy gown, as it leaves the beaded detailing as the only real design element. It’s surprisingly understated for Marchesa. But where this gown really gets it right is in the absolutely flawless fit and Woodley’s simple styling. I’ve met Shailene Woodley. She’s a sweet girl and a huge hippy. If she showed up in heavy makeup and a sixty-pound ball gown, I’d be disappointed. But her simple, fresh makeup and soft chignon are true to her no-fuss roots. The overall look is young and pretty and decidedly unfussy.

Worst Dressed

The look on Jessica Chastain’s face in this boring, too-tight Givenchy gown clearly says, “Sad dresses make me sad.” It makes me sad, too, Jessie. You wouldn’t know it by looking at her here, but Chastain has a great figure. She’s petite but curvy and has great skin to boot, yet she consistently cannot dress herself in a flattering way. Personally, I think Chastain is a bit indifferent to fashion. Not that she thinks she’s above it or anything, she just isn’t a Fashion Girl and she doesn’t seem to have a particularly keen sense of style. So she leaves everything to a stylist, but her stylist clearly hates her. Dear Jessica: Fire your stylist.

Next up is Freida Pinto in teal blue Prada. It crushes me to put Pinto on this list as I love her and think she’s one of the most beautiful women you’ll find anywhere, and usually she wears interesting stuff on the red carpet. But this gown is not only two sizes too big but it’s so freaking BORING. The color is lovely, yes, and it looks great on Pinto, but that is all the dress has working for it. It’s too big and the belt detail combined with the box pleats is making teeny-tiny Pinto look extra hippy. And the texturing on the dress is less “visually intriguing” and more “cheap flocking”. It’s a bad miss for both Pinto and Prada. And I hate her bump-it hair.

I don’t actually hate Madonna’s Reem Acra gown. It would’ve looked great on, say, The Incomparable Cate Blanchett. It’s less than great on Madonna, however, but she makes this list solely for the way she said “REEM AHCRAH”.

Almost But Not Quite

I really liked Sarah Michelle Gellar in this watercolor/tie-dye print Monique Lhuillier, but it’s slightly too much dress for SMG. Her styling isn’t great and but really, she just doesn’t have enough of an edge for this dress. This dress should be on someone like Evan Rachel Wood, who has the attitude to pull it off, or Sofia Vergara, who makes everything fun. It’s not a bad look on SMG, which is why she’s an “almost”, it’s just not quite the right one for her, either.

Like Freida Pinto, it pains me to not absolutely love whatever Charlize Theron is wearing, in this case, an asymmetrical Dior gown. I think Charlize looks really good, but the diamond headband and overall colorlessness of the look are holding it back for me. Nothing is ever going to induce me to like the headband, but if you must do it, understated is better. Think Carey Mulligan at the 2010 Golden Globes. But the bigger problem is definitely that Charlize is basically a nine-foot-tall taupe stick. The dress, her skin, her hair—it’s all one color. Either pop some color in the makeup or with a colorful clutch, but she needed some oomph to offset the blush colored gown.

Battle of the Yellows

I know that we all wanted to punch Paula Patton in the face last night, but we’re not here to talk about how goddamned fucking annoying she was, ME ME ME-ing the shit out of every moment she could. We’re here to talk about how a number of ladies wore bright yellow (some would call it “Big Bird yellow”) and which of them did it best. In my book, the winner is definitely Paula Patton in a sunshine yellow Monique Lhuillier mermaid gown. The fit is excellent, the shade of yellow is perfect for her complexion, and her styling is solid. Maria Menounos’ yellow dress (couldn’t find the designer) is too tight, and the combination of the bright shade and the sequins is too much, bordering on cheap. And The Killing’s Mireille Enos’ yellow dress is unflattering and a little too grandma-chic with the lacey detailing and saggy bodice. As obnoxious as Patton was, her yellow looks was the best.

Not the Worst Thing Ever

See, this is how you do a colorless gown. Angelina Jolie’s—what are we calling this color? Champagne?—Versace has that red fold on the neckline that she then matched to her clutch and lipstick. That might be a bit too matchy-matchy for some of you, but I thought Angelina looked stunning. First, the dress isn’t a sack. Second, the red fold detail, the lipstick and her sleek hairstyle all emphasize that crazy amazing face. And the fit on this dress is nuts. It’s perfect! Shiny satin is almost impossible to pull off but Angelina does it by dint of tailoring the shit out of it. On anyone else this is not going to be a good look, but given how “Sister Wife No. 7” Angelina usually looks, this is a huge improvement, and thus, not the worst thing ever.

Emma Stone is both interested in fashion and still finding her sartorial voice—which leads to some interesting choices—and this Lanvin goddess gown echoes a look Stone has worked to positive effect before. She tall enough and slender enough to pull off the drapey goddess styles without looking like a feather duster. And this two-tone plum and fuchsia gown is stunning against her pale skin and auburn hair. Love her makeup, too, and her hair style. I don’t love the leather detailing on the dress, though. I would’ve liked it so much more without the epaulets on the shoulders and I definitely would’ve preferred a different, less, um…Third Reich-y belt. I know that’s just an eagle but it looks like it came from an Indiana Jones prop box. Still, Stone has the youth and attitude to work the quirkier styles, which makes this not the worst thing ever.

The Worst Thing Ever

Ah, here is Lea Michele in the bullshit Marchesa we know and loathe. I knew Shailene Woodley’s gown was an aberration. The top half of this dress is that sparkly-and-see-through ice skater chic Marchesa has been working for a couple seasons now, the bottom half is Vegas showgirl. And everything in between is Michele and her ridiculous hard posing (although she was not the biggest perpetrator of this last night). Also awful is her old-lady hair. Michele is a pretty young woman—why must she always dress like she’s a forty-three-year-old divorcee? It’s the worst thing ever.

Natalie Portman in a drunk-bridesmaids-pink Lanvin gown continues her streak as the vomit-inducing Natalie Never. If she keeps this type of bullshit up, I will never ever find a way to like her again. Portman is so pretty and has some real attitude—or she used to, before she created a creation and was taken over by a Stepford wife. This dress is gross. It’s a gross color, a gross style and Portman’s obvious “oh whatever” attitude about wearing it is gross. Natalie Never: The worst thing ever.

Best Trend: Fish Tails

There were a lot of mermaid gowns on the red carpet last night. More than usual, that it. Enough that I’d call it a trend, and it was my favorite of the night. The best examples of the fish tail were easily Evan Rachel Wood in forest-green Gucci and Sofia Vergara in sapphire Vera Wang. ERW’s gown is basically a mermaid costume, with the sequin details done in a fish-scale pattern, but she looks great and she’s legitimately weird enough to wear a mermaid costume on the red carpet and still work it to positive effect. My only wish for ERW is that she would darken the blonde hair a little bit. It’s too harsh and is aging her a bit. Vergara, meanwhile, demonstrates how flattering the fish tail is for curvy girls. The fit of this gown is phenomenal and the boob management is solid, but it’s the proportions that show off her crazy figure that make this such a good look for an hour glass figure.

Worst Trend: Headbands

Ugh. Headbands. I’m never going to like them. If you must wear one, the smaller, sleeker styles are best. Michelle Williams in purple Jason Wu demonstrates how a headband can make a good look go bad. Were it not for her twee and ridiculous headband, she probably would have been my best dressed (although I didn’t love this gown as much as I did her black and white Chanel). And I’m not down with Charlize Theron’s vintage diamond Cartier head piece either. She’s such a beautiful woman; she doesn’t need to gild the lily this much. Also, I feel like wearing such a head piece is basically like saying, “I really want to wear a tiara but don’t have a reason to.” Of course, Charlize was just portraying the Evil Queen in Snow White and the Huntsman, sporting an array of cool crowns. She’s probably still in “bedeck me in jewels, you peasant” mode.

The Tilda Swinton Award for SWINTON

Everybody’s Favorite Alien, Tilda Swinton, was in fine SWINTON form last night, in this periwinkle blue Haider Ackermann ensemble. Is this separates? Or is it a gown? I can’t quite tell. SWINTON works a lot of menswear looks, and the jacket of this gown is in keeping with that style, while the skirt is flattering and on trend with its mini-fish tail. I also love that SWINTON did her hair up like this, instead of slicking it down like she usually does. I feel like this is what her crown looks like, when she’s sitting in her proper place as queen of a dying alien race. Tilda Swinton, the most SWINTON of the night.

The Lea Michele Hard Posing Award

Meanwhile, the Lea Michele Hard Posing Award goes to Piper Perabo, who wore a see-through Theory gown and was either completely shitfaced or else lost her shit and went crazy on the red carpet. There’s not much I can say here, so I’ll let the photos speak for themselves.

Something to keep in mind about January: While the month is 98% shit that’s been banished here to die an ugly death at the box office, several award-bait projects are expanding wider. I won’t write out summaries since they’ve been covered already, but I’ll note them where applicable.

January 4

Once Upon a Time in Anatolia

This is a highly-regarded film from Turkish director Nuri Bilge Ceylan (Three Monkeys) about a group of men traveling through the Anatolian steppes of Turkey in search of a murder victim. After a solid festival season tour in 2011, which included winning a Grand Jury prize at Cannes, Once Upon a Time in Anatolia makes it way to general audiences. If you’re looking for any kind of quality at the cinema in January, this is one of your strongest options.

Limited release

January 6

The Devil Inside

I can’t watch or think about exorcism movies—they scare the shit out of me. This one is about a girl trying to uncover what really happened during her mother’s exorcism by participating in other exorcisms. Or something. The Devil Inside was a surprise box office win, though I’m not sure what exactly was so surprising. It’s a Paranormal Activity­-style scare fest and those movies always do well and The Devil Inside performed comparably to a PA movie. That said, The Devil Inside scored abysmally with audiences, earning an “F” on Cinemascore and often drawing boos at screenings. Look for it to nosedive in successive weeks in theaters.

January 11

Loosies

For a generation of movie-goers, Peter Facinelli will be Carlisle Cullen, the scarf-wearingest vampire coven leader to ever grace the big screen in the Twilight movies. For me, Facinelli will always and forever be Mike Dexter. But now PFac is moving into a new phase of his career, that of the writer. Loosies is the first feature film he’s written and tells the story of Bobby, whose free-swinging criminal lifestyle comes crashing down when a former one night stand informs him that she’s pregnant. It doesn’t look totally awful but nor does it look particularly good. It’ll be interesting to see if Mike Dexter can engineer a writer’s career as well. AmanDUH!

Limited release

January 13

Albatross

Downtown Abbey’s Jessica Brown-Findlay (Lady Sybil) wins the best reviews in this British coming-of-age tale that also stars Felicity Jones (Like Crazy), Julia Ormond and Sebastian Koch (Unknown). Brown-Findlay stars as Emelia, an aspiring novelist who strikes up an affair with her friend Beth’s (Jones) father (Koch). It looks pretty cliché but if you’re a fan of Lady Sybil I guess it’d be worth it.

Limited release

Beauty & The Beast 3D

Now, coming to you in vivid 3D, Disney is proud to present, Money Grab: The Musical! Revisit some of your fondest childhood movie memories with songs like “Be Our Guest, Concessions to the Left” and “Beauty and the Beast and the Shameless Cash Grab Preying on Your Fondness for This Beloved Childhood Tale”. And don’t miss Disney’s next big 3D release: Aladdin Picks YOUR Pocket (in 3D).

Contraband

Mark Wahlberg something something Boston blah blah family pride yadda yadda yadda guns and violence something else blerghy blergh no one fucks with Marky Mark.

The Divide

A post-nuclear apocalypse tale starring the Rosanna “I’m still here” Arquette (Desperately Seeking Susan), Courtney B. Vance (Law & Order), Milo Ventimiglia (Gilmore Girls) and a bunch of other people you’ve never heard of, The Divide is basically a Lord of the Flies and Blindness mash-up brought to you by the makers of Hitman. And people are trying to say studio execs don’t send bad movies to die in January. HA.

Don’t Go in the Woods

Vincent D’Onofrio is a very talented actor. Vincent D’Onofrio is not a bad writer. Vincent D’Onofrio might even be a decent director. We’re about to find out. Don’t Go in the Woods is a horror movie about a band…in the woods…written and directed by Vincent D’Onofrio. Vincent D’Onofrio is a guy who can’t hold his shit together for anything. I bet he could cook up a pretty crazy horror story.

Vincent D’Onofrio was born to play Orson Welles. Someone make this happen, like, yesterday.

Limited release

The Iron Lady*

Previewed in December.

Expanding

Joyful Noise

Well I think this movie looks like a big steaming pile of horse shit, but it stars Queen Latifah and Dolly Parton and is about a gospel choir realizing their dreams against the stifling expectations of a small town and there’s a lot of inspirational singing and hopeful children, so I bet it’s a surprise hit at the box office.

Newlyweds

Writer/director Ed Burns is back with another tale of idyllic New York City love ruined by a family member. In this case, it’s newlyweds (GET IT?!) Buzzy (Burns) and Linda (Caitlin Fitzgerald, It’s Complicated) who have their wedded bliss bubble burst by Linda’s dysfunctional sister (Kerry Bishe, Red State). Burns isn’t a bad filmmaker, even if he does keep telling the same story over and over again, and Newlyweds was met with largely positive reviews at the Tribeca Film Festival last year. Might be worth a look eventually.

We Need to Talk About Kevin*

Previewed in December.

NYC only, expanding to LA on January 20, expanding wider on January 27

January 18

Crazy Horse

Legendary Parisian burlesque club Le Crazy Horse de Paris is the subject of documentarian Frederick Wiseman’s newest film. It’s a thorough behind the scenes look at what goes on at this famous nude revue, from techies to dancers to patrons. This was a very popular selection coming out of the fall film festivals last year (I preferred Wim Wender’s Pina), and if you’re a fan of dance/burlesque, it’s definitely worth a watch eventually.

NYC only

January 20

Coriolanus*

Previewed in December.

Limited release

Extremely Loud & Incredibly Close*

Previewed in December.

Expanding

Haywire

Steven Soderbergh is a very talented filmmaker who sometimes gets a wild hare and chases it down to less than stellar results (see also: The Girlfriend Experience). Haywire would appear to be one of those “hey this would be cool” moments for Soderbergh that didn’t turn out quite like he wanted. Despite the presence of an outstanding cast—Ewan Macgregor, The Fassbender, Channing Tatum, Bill Paxton, Antonio Banderas, Michael Douglas—and despite some kiss-assy early reviews praising MMA fighter-turned-actress Gina Carano’s skills as an action star, her line-readings in the trailer are AWFUL and I don’t have high hopes for this movie over all. I’m willing to see it—mostly for The Fassbender—but I’m not expecting a pleasant surprise along the lines of The Grey.

Miss Bala

This Mexican import about a would-be beauty queen who gets sucked into the drug war was another 2011 festival stand out. I passed on it at the Chicago Film Fest because it sounded too fucking depressing, and because I hadn’t heard anything that made me think Miss Bala does anything that Maria Full of Grace didn’t already do, and better. I doubt I get to this one in theaters but I’ll likely Netflix it for future viewing.

Limited release

Red Tails

Ugh, this movie. On the one hand, it’s a predominately black cast starring in a movie about the Tuskegee Airmen, which is a topic that is perfectly suited to cinematic treatment (the 1995 movie, The Tuskegee Airmen is well worth your time). On the other hand, it’s produced by George Lucas, who might actually be the devil, and it looks awful. I hope I’m wrong, though. The Tuskegee story is one of the best of the WWII-era.

Underworld: Awakening

Kate Beckinsale and Michael Sheen were together for years and have a daughter together. During the filming of the first Underworld movie, though, when Beckinsale’s career was at its peak, she left Sheen—who was a virtual nobody at the time—for the Underworld director, Len Wiseman. Nine years later Sheen has become one of the most in-demand character actors out there and is almost certainly a future Oscar nominee. He’s coming off a role in Woody Allen’s most successful movie ever, Midnight in Paris, and is living with Rachel McAdams. Beckinsale, meanwhile, is playing Marky Mark’s wife in Contraband and has Underworld 4. I’m just saying, I wonder if Kate Beckinsale ever wishes for a Time Turner.

January 27

Albert Nobbs*

Previewed in December.

Limited release, expanding

The Grey

Though it looks like “Liam Neeson face-punching wolves for two hours”, The Grey is a bit deeper and darker than that (although he does punch wolves in the face a couple times). In fact, this movie is good enough that I’m wondering why it’s coming out in January and not, say, September. Neeson is the best he’s been in the last couple years—at time he’s more than a little uncomfortable to watch as he doesn’t seem to be acting so much as purging—and director Joe Carnahan (The A-Team) displays considerable visual skill for action sequences. The plane crash is tough to watch if, like me, you’re not a good flier to start with. When I write my full review we’ll get more into the depiction of the wolves, but for now I’ll say it’s not demonizing but nor is it really that accurate. The Grey is way, way better than the usual January dreck.

In Darkness

This is Poland’s official entry for Best Foreign Language film at the Oscars this year. It’s a depressing true story about a man in Nazi-occupied Poland who helps hide and save a group of Jewish refugees. It’s based on the memoir of one of the survivors and In Darkness got good notice at TIFF last year. This is the kind of movie that I really have to steel myself to see. Surviving-the Nazis movies are almost always worth it, but they’re always so hard to sit through.

Limited release

La guerre est declaree (Declaration of War)

I’m down with the idea of this movie—a young couple faces the serious illness of a child—especially since the child’s survival is understood from the very beginning. What I’m not down with is the lead characters being named Romeo and Juliette, which is just twee and ridiculous. But then, I thought The Artist was kind of twee and ridiculous, so maybe that’s just a trend in French cinema right now. Other than that, this looks like a decent movie, if not extraordinary. However, the fact that it’s in French means it will get at least a +15% bump for the artsy factor.

NY/LA only

Man on a Ledge

My like for Jamie Bell does not outweigh my extreme dislike for walking cardboard cutout Sam Worthington, I’m indifferent to Elizabeth Banks, and Ed Harris has made one too many shitty “for the paycheck” movies for me to fully trust his taste. So in all, Man on a Ledge holds little appeal for me. But if you’re looking for something heisty and thrillery, Man on a Ledge may as well satisfy…you know what? NO. Between The Grey and Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy there’s no reason to see Man on a Ledge. There are much, MUCH better options for a thriller this month.

One for the Money

Originally developed for Sandra Bullock and based on Janet Evanovich’s long-running Stephanie Plum mystery series, One for the Money practically sells itself. This is a crowd pleaser, an easy hit, a slam-dunk spring score. Or, it should have been. Instead it looks horrid and it’s been sent to January to die a hopefully quiet death.

FUCK YOU KATHERINE HEIGL.

Rampart*

Previewed in November.

Expanding

I can’t remember the last time I laughed and cried so hard in a movie as I did in 50/50. Based on the real-life story of screenwriter Will Reiser, 50/50 follows Adam after he’s diagnosed with a rare form of cancer at 27. Joseph Gordon-Levitt gives one of his best performances as Adam and he’s ably supported by Anna Kendrick, Anjelica Huston and a surprisingly tolerable Seth Rogen. 50/50 barely touches on the physical reality of cancer—we only briefly see the effects of chemo—but the emotional reality is sharply drawn, in turns painfully raw and touchingly hopeful. There was no more life-affirming movie in 2011.

The Descendants

Alexander Payne returns to filmmaking with this adaptation of Kauai Hart Hemmings’ novel of the same name. George Clooney gives his best performance in years as Matt King, the patriarch of a large Hawaiian land family who is dealing with crises left and right—selling the last tangible piece of his family’s inheritance and his wife is about to be unhooked from life support. The Descendants deals with grief and anger when there’s no one to get mad at—Matt can hardly yell at his near-dead wife for cheating on him—but it also shows that forgiveness of self is as important as forgiveness of others. A bit more optimistic than Payne usually goes, The Descendants marks a new phase for the director.

Drive

As far as I’m concerned, this is the best movie of the year. A taut, tightly edited action/thriller/getaway/mob movie hybrid, what sets Drive apart is the surprisingly tender love story at its center. Anchored by Ryan Gosling’s superb work as the unnamed driver, Drive is a helluva US debut for director Nicolas Winding Refn. Don’t let its explosive violence—after the elevator scene you’ll never see The Gos the same way again—put you off. Drive is one of the few movies of 2011 that lived up to its hype, and then some.

The Guard

Centered around Sergeant Gerry Boyle (Brendon Gleeson in a career role), a plodding, Columbo-type police officer, or “garda”, in rural west Ireland, The Guard is a much less flashy movie than In Bruges, but in some ways, it’s a much more rewarding one. Written and directed by John Michael McDonagh, The Guard is a crime movie that confounds expectations at every turn. Sergeant Boyle is a racist jerk (or is he?), the American FBI agent (Don Cheadle) is entirely unhelpful, the hookers don’t have hearts of gold but are nice people, and the criminals have more honor than anyone else. It’s a sharp, sly black comedy featuring an outstanding job by Gleeson.

Shame

This is the unsexiest sex movie you’ll ever see. Michael Fassbender defines his career for at least the next decade as Brandon, a sex addict who successfully manages to hide his addiction until his unhinged sister—conveniently named Sissy—shows up on his doorstep. The movie, directed by Steve McQueen (Hunger), is typically spare-bones, as is McQueen’s style, but with The Fassbender’s performance front and center, it doesn’t need much else going on. Carey Mulligan acquits herself nicely as Sissy, except for her awful singing, but this is The Fassbender’s show from start to finish. This stark examination of sex addiction thoroughly reclaims it from the realm of cheating assholes and gives it back to the real addicts, the people who have a compulsion to consume and destroy that they can’t control. Shame is a major bummer but you won’t see acting better than this anywhere.

Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy

Impeccably written, shot, staged, acted and directed, Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy is the most satisfying thriller I’ve seen in a long time. Lead by Gary Oldman as George Smiley, Tomas Alfredson’s (Let the Right One In) take on John le Carre’s classic Cold War novel could not be any better. There’s little violence, none of it objectionable, and even less direct confrontation, yet the tension ratchets up steadily throughout the film until the act of walking out of a building with a folder seems like being on the brink of utter disaster. As Smiley works his way through a list of possible moles, we see the ruin that lives dedicated to secrets has wrecked for the various members of the upper echelon of the British secret service. You can’t complain about lack of quality at the cinema when Tinker Tailor is out there.

The Trip

Gentlemen to bed, for tomorrow we leave at 9:30. I’d love to quote your own work back at you, but I don’t know any. You sound like the Nazi from Inglorious Basterds. Was there a lot of alcohol in your childhood garden? You could take her around and show her the gun crime sites. Have you ever thought of doing a sponsored silence? You might touch my bottom. You look like you’re recovering from a stroke and learning how to get mobility again.

The Trip is hands down the funniest movie of 2011. Edited down from the UK television show (both versions directed by Michael Winterbottom), The Trip stars Steve Coogan (Tropic Thunder) and Rob Brydon (UK television personality) as basically themselves in a largely-improvised pseudo-buddy road movie. It’s everything good comedy should be and it’s highly quotable.

SHE WAS ONLY FIFTEEN.

Tucker and Dale vs. Evil

This was a close call with Attack the Block, but it came down to repeated watchability. I really, really liked Attack the Block, but I’ve had no desire to rewatch it. Tucker and Dale, meanwhile, lives in my Netflix queue and gets watched. A lot. A horror-comedy twist on the classic “hillbillies in the woods” sub-genre, Tucker and Dale vs. Evil is funny enough and broad enough to play to non-genre audiences. It’s long-delayed and ultimately only limited release is a crime, really, as this should have been a slam-dunk October hit. Alan Tudyk (Transformers 3, Death at a Funeral) and Tyler Labine (Reaper) have great comic chemistry and while the movie isn’t quotable like The Trip, the escalating sight gags are hilarious. This little gem is destined to become a genre-defining cult classic.

Tyrannosaur

Featuring some of the worst human/animal, animal/human, and human/human violence you’ll see on screen, Tyrannosaur is not for everyone. But if you can deal with its unrelentingly bleak tone, the rewards of actor Paddy Considine’s directorial debut are great. Peter Mullan (War Horse) gives what is arguably the only male performance of the year that could stand up to Michael Fassbender in Shame. His smoke-seared voice and weathered face are perfect for angry widower Joseph, just as Olivia Colman’s (Hot Fuzz) luminous smile suits down-trodden Hannah perfectly. Also in the mix is Eddie Marsan (War Horse) in probably the scariest role you’ll ever want to see him in. These are bitter, broken people with bitter, broken lives but the unexpected uptick of hope at the end serves to remind that everyone is capable of redemption. No, it’s not for everyone, but it’s great all the same.

Win Win

Here’s another hidden indie gem that should have been SO MUCH bigger than it was. Win Win stars Paul Giamatti as regular schmoe Mike, who is faced with a morally dubious choice. The story is rooted in our post-economic-collapse new reality—what Mike does is not right, but you understand the pressure he is under. Amidst this quagmire, Mike and his wife Jackie (the always excellent Amy Ryan) take in a runaway teen, Kyle, who turns out to be a wrestling prodigy. Alex Shaffer was plucked from obscurity to play Kyle—he’s a real-life high school wrestling champ—and his debut overshadows every other newcomer this year, even Elizabeth Olsen. Another stand-out performer is Bobby Cannavale (The Station Agent) as Terry, Mike’s friend struggling through a divorce. Watch it with your parents or your kids—everyone will love Win Win.

Near Misses

Attack the Block, Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows part 2, Moneyball, The Tree of Life, Young Adult

Okay Movies Featuring Stellar Performances

Gerard Butler – Coriolanus, Viola Davis – The Help, Michelle Williams/Kenneth Branagh – My Week with Marilyn, Tom Hiddleston – Thor

Movies That Everyone Else Loved That I Did Not

The Artist, Hugo, Melancholia, Rise of the Planet of the Apes, Take Shelter

Terrible Disappointments

Cowboys and Aliens, The Hangover Part II, Immortals, Sucker Punch, Your Highness

Movie I Knew Would Be Bad But Was In Fact Far Shittier Than Even I Expected

Red Riding Hood

Many people have stated that 2011 was a shit year for movies. While it wasn’t a revelatory year (like 2008), it wasn’t the worst year movies have ever had. The central problem we’re having with movies right now is that the movie industry is undergoing a tectonic shift and we’re in a generation gap of filmmakers—the old can’t let go and the new aren’t quite here yet. More on this another time. I think the main problem with 2011 is that film critics were not united behind one movie, hailing it as an “instant classic”. Opinions are divided on the movies of 2011. My top 10 comes out tomorrow and we’ll fight about it. I know we will. This was not a year in which people agreed.

What 2011 was, though, was an actor’s year and a year about looking back fondly at what cinema used to be. First, the actors. 2011 won’t be defined by a directorial triumph, though we had a few exciting new directors make their mark in the US (Sean Durkin, Nicolas Winding Refn, John Michael McDonagh, Paddy Considine, Lynne Ramsey), and a living legend, Terrence Malick, finally got The Tree of Life into theaters. No, what 2011 will be remembered for were the performances. Ryan Gosling in Drive, Christopher Plummer in Beginners, Brendon Gleeson in The Guard, Tilda Swinton in We Need to Talk About Kevin, Adepero Oduye in Pariah,  Michelle Williams in My Week with Marilyn, Viola Davis rising above the schmaltz of The Help, and Jessica Chastain turning in six top notch performances.

Michael Fassbender’s performance in Shame will define him for the rest of his career while Gary Oldman had a late-stage career shift with Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy. Olivia Colman, Peter Mullan and Eddie Marsan delivered the best ensemble work in Tyrannosaur and the ladies of Bridesmaids recast comic archetypes for a post-Sex and the City world. 2011 is the year Brad Pitt gave not one but two excellent performances (Tree of Life and Moneyball) and that everyone saw Jonah Hill as something more than just the fat funny guy (Moneyball). Not to mention all the stellar work on television—Benedict Cumberbatch reinventing Sherlock Holmes for the technological age, Amy Poehler & Co. handing in the best ensemble work for television week after week on Parks & Rec, Peter Dinklage redefined “rooting for the little guy” on Game of Thrones, and Louie remains the most pure expression of comedic art, courtesy Louis C.K., on television.

This is not to belittle writers, directors or any other behind the scenes efforts in 2011, it’s just that when we look back in ten years, we’re going to remember the performances more than anything. Not everyone liked Drive; everyone can agree Gosling was phenomenal in Drive. 2011 was truly the year of the actor and the movies that will matter from the year will matter for their performances more than anything else.

2011 will also be remembered as the year that filmmakers either yelled, “Get off my lawn” to digital cinema or embraced it. Martin Scorsese spent two hours in Hugo telling me stories about how when he was a kid, movies had to walk three miles through snow, uphill both ways, to just to be movies and how kids these days have no appreciation for the art that came before. Meanwhile Steven Spielberg got out-Spielberged by the Super 8 fanboys while simultaneously showing us that motion capture still can’t fully replicate expressions of emotion (The Adventures of TinTin). 2011 had a distinctly nostalgic flavor. Some of it worked—The Muppets and Super 8—but most of it didn’t—Hugo, The Artist War Horse, and TinTin.

Nostalgia is the longing for something that, once gone, can never truly be had again. Charles Foster Kane can have Rosebud itself but he can’t have what Rosebud represented ever again. The Muppets and Super 8 were essentially “Rosebud” movies. After seeing Super 8 over the summer, I wondered if modern audiences weren’t a bit too cynical for such a movie, and I thought the same again after seeing The Muppets. They’re both good movies, both have their charms, and their problems, but ultimately, they left me thinking that what they each represented, as movies, cannot be truly attained. This was especially apparent in The Muppets as, despite a very sincere effort from the cast and some excellent songs, the movie fell a bit flat. It didn’t quite work because in order for the Muppets to be relevant to a modern audience they have to be not the Muppets. We’re too cynical, too hard for such wide-eyed optimism. It’s cute and fun to visit that memory, but The Muppets is not going to restart a trend. Nor is Super 8.

But at least those two movies worked, in and of themselves. They may have made me realize that the eras that originally brought us the Muppets and movies like Super 8 are well and truly over, but they were still good movies. Hugo and The Artist on the other hand… Well, technically they’re proficient. Beautiful, even. And the acting was solid, especially in The Artist where Jean Dujardin and Berenice Bejo gave stand-out performances. And they’re not bad like The Three Musketeers was bad. It’s just that they aim to make me feel something and failed. Hugo is, essentially, a technologically-advanced lamentation over the death of traditional cinema. Does anyone else think it’s ironic that in his opus to the beginnings of cinema, Scorsese utilized the very digital processes that are helping to kill 35mm?

But the more guilty party here is The Artist, the silent film, because it was actually a good silent film. The Artist made me realize that if we wanted, we could still be making entertaining silent films. It’s just that we don’t want to do that anymore. Why? Because it’s fucking pretentious, that’s why. My specific issue with The Artist is that it’s essentially a super-pretentious mash-up of Singin’ in the Rain and Sunset Boulevard but I’m supposed to applaud it for its ingenuity. The larger issue, though, is that writer/director Michel Hazanavicius (France’s popular and funny OSS 117 movies) made an above-average good silent film. How am I supposed to accurately miss something that, if we so wanted, we could have again? It’s basically like telling Kane, “If you hold onto Rosebud, it will transport you back in time and you can be a child again.” It’s the having and the eating of the cake.

In ten years, most of what happened at the movies in 2011 won’t matter. Only a handful of these movies (The Tree of Life, Drive, Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy and maybe Pariah) will survive in any meaningful way. Mostly what we’ll remember are the great performances that were given and a swan song sung before the true death throes have begun. You think the backlash against the onset of digital cinema is bad now? Oh…just wait.

Here’s my problem with TinTin: It didn’t need to be animated. Motion capture is not only as freaky as hell to look at, it’s terribly expensive. For the $130 million budget, co-directors Steven Spielberg and Peter Jackson could have made a terrific live action movie that wouldn’t have given me the willies any time I looked into a character’s eyes. Although to be fair, some characters worked better in mocap than others. For instance, Thomson & Thompson (Simon Pegg and Nick Frost) and Captain Haddock (Andy Serkis), had distinctly cartoony designs with little beady cartoon eyes. Not that creepy. TinTin (Jamie Bell), however, made me want to beat him to death with a pitchfork every time I saw his weird, gummy face. Note for all filmmakers: If you’re going to do motion capture, don’t go for a human look. Think cartoony.

I found TinTin an unfulfilling experience at the movies. Everyone kept saying how it was “like Indiana Jones”, but as I watched I was thinking how Super 8 recreated that type of movie better. TinTin lacks what Indiana Jones had—a fascinating central character. Indiana Jones was a terrific character inhabited by the absolutely best actor to play him. TinTin, on the other hand, is distinctly less interesting to watch, and blanked-out by animation as he is, Bell has no chance to imprint the character. Overall, yes, this is the best-looking mocap to date. But WHY was it mocap? Nothing about this needed to be animated. Further, it didn’t need to be in 3D. Between those two technologies, I was acutely aware that I was watching two brilliant, visual filmmakers playing with new toys. It was like Skynet made a movie and expected me to like it. What’s there to like? There’s no humanity in it.

Which is not to say that there can’t be humanity in this form of animation—after all Ratatouille, The Incredibles, Wall-E, Up and Toy Story 3 are some of the best examples of humanity in cinema of the last decade and they’re all computer-generated cartoons. It’s just that no one has quite figured out how to fully marry mocap technology and filmmaking. I maintain that this is a crossroads at the Uncanny Valley from which there is probably no material end. I don’t think it can be done. The best mocap uses are for non-human characters to gain realistic motion, like Gollum. I don’t think it works as a complete filmmaking tool. It’s only good for incremental pieces like an individual character. As I watched TinTin, I watched the audience around me (because the story was silly and didn’t interest me in the slightest) and I saw faces of revulsion everywhere. No one was really comfortable with TinTin on screen. Little kids seemed afraid of him. This can work for a character that is supposed to be somewhat threatening, but it doesn’t work for a family film. Which is why TinTin is tanking at the (domestic) box office.

The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo

The main problem with David Fincher’s English-language remake of Stieg Larsson’s The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo is not that it exists—an unsubtitled version was always inevitable—but that it exists without making any significant changes. If you’re going to redo something, REDO it. I just discussed with Lainey who my fantasy re-casting choices for the iconic role of Lisbeth Salander would be (Carey Mulligan or Gemma Arteron), not because Rooney Mara (LAW AND ORDER: SVU, FRIDAY THE 13^TH) sucked but because she didn’t melt my eyeballs with awesomery. Lisbeth Salander is arguably the most important female character created in the last twenty (at least) years. The character leaps off the page and face-punches you with her amazingness. Noomi Rapace, the original, Swedish incarnation of the character, had a searing, feral presence that kept you, as a viewer, in a constant state of awareness of what she would do next. Mara, in contrast, slinks onto the screen and proceeds to prove she is talented and capable of carrying scenes, but she didn’t melt my eyeballs. I didn’t care particularly what she did next. I was more into Daniel Craig’s portrayal of disgraced journalist Mikael Blomkvist.

Overall, Fincher’s version is a chilly crime procedural, worth a watch but not world-burning in any way. He builds the tension nicely throughout the movie, though he doesn’t do anything he didn’t already cover in his serial killer epic Zodiac (I would recommend that movie over his version of Tattoo). The score by the Oscar-winning duo of Trent Reznor and Atticus Ross is perfection, however, and the opening title sequence is SO GOOD it’s definitely worth a peek eventually. It made me miss opening title sequences. Why don’t people do more of those? Tattoo isn’t the best movie of the year by any means, not even a top tenner, but it’s far, far from the worst. Don’t let the “oh why did they make this” lamentations scare you off. This is a solid rental for sure. And it should be good for several Oscar nominations, including Adapted Screenplay (Steve Zaillian), Original Score (Reznor/Ross), Editing (Kirk Baxter, Angus Wall), Cinematography (Jeff Cronenweth), both Sound categories (Mark Weingarten, mixing and Ren Klyce, editor), Director (Fincher) and Best Picture. Mara’s Best Actress nomination looks very uncertain, though.

The ending was tweaked a bit, though it is truer to the book than the Swedish movie’s ending was. Without giving it completely away, it showed a distinctly more vulnerable and affectionate side to Lisbeth which left many people confused, if not pissed, that Lisbeth would display such “weakness”. However, to me, the besetting problem of the Swedish trilogy was that Lisbeth goes from toughened hardass to unremitting bitch over the course of three movies because there is no motive for her despicable treatment of Blomkvist. I saw someone on Twitter joke once that the final installment should have been called “The Girl Who Never Said Thank You”. Blomkvist goes to great lengths for Lisbeth, trusting blindly that he’s read this girl accurately when she’s giving him no real reason to work so hard on her behalf. Fincher’s ending, though you may quibble with the specific device, at least gives Lisbeth a palatable reason to shut Blomkvist out.

As I said to my brother as we left the theater, it wasn’t Tattoo I’m really looking forward to Fincher remaking. Niels Arden Oplev did a good enough job with the Swedish original, but the subsequent two films got progressively worse under different directors. I actively hated The Girl Who Kicked the Hornet’s Nest. Really, it’s that and the middle entry, The Girl Who Played with Fire, that I look forward to Fincher redoing. Just so long as he actually REDOES it.

War Horse

I remember every horse I’ve ever ridden. There’s a unique bond between horse and rider that differs from any other relationship you can have with an animal. I’ve loved dogs, and I love my kitten Pancake, but with a horse the relationship is defined in life and death terms. When riding, your mount’s life is, literally, in your hands. But in reverse, you are wholly dependent on that animal to keep you safe, too. As a rider, your vision is better, but the horse has the instinct for the ground. You trust your mount implicitly and so must your mount trust you. Once that bond is damaged, it’s incredibly hard to repair. DJ was a sweet pony and a nice ride, but he threw me and stepped on me and I couldn’t trust him after that. Similarly, I failed Holly and she never tolerated me on her back again. I remember these failures more than I remember any successes, because the failures inform my experiences with any horse that comes after.

The only movie that has truly captured that bond is The Black Stallion, though Black Beauty, in all its various incarnations, does a great job showing how different owners can affect a horse over time. Steven Spielberg’s War Horse is less than these two movies, mainly because I don’t think Spielberg particularly “gets” horses. I don’t think his actors “got” them and I’m not sure the horses particularly liked or “got” their riders. There was a strange disconnect throughout that made me feel cheated—I knew War Horse was missing something in the horse/rider relationship and I finally figured out what it was about two-thirds of the way through the movie. War Horse was too much war, not enough horse. Spielberg unquestionably understands how to recreate war on camera and the battle scenes in War Horse are spectacular. But Joey, the titular war horse, seems like a prop no matter how hard Spielberg tries to humanize him.

Technically speaking, War Horse is a gorgeous film. It’ll get a boatload of Oscar nominations in the technical/artistic categories. And it’s not a bad film, per se, but it’s so emotionally manipulative (particularly John Williams’ uncharacteristically bad score), that you find yourself rebelling against all the emotions you’re being told to feel. And the ending irked me to no end, as Albert, the young man-turned-soldier who raised Joey, pleads with an elderly man—who has just as much emotional claim to Joey as Albert does—to give Albert his horse back. This is what Spielberg missed about horses. Yes, that horse/rider bond is special, but it’s possible for a horse to have it with several riders. By taking Joey from the old man in the end, I actually hated Albert a little. How selfish! By not recognizing that the true miracle of the “miracle horse” wasn’t that Joey survived the war but that amidst the worst conditions he touched so many, Albert undermines the whole movie. Extremely unsatisfying ending. And not better than The Black Stallion.

Albert Nobbs

It pains me to say that Albert Nobbs is anything less than good because it’s a true passion project for Glenn Close, whom I like very much, but unfortunately, Albert Nobbs is not good. It’s not horrible, not even bad, really, it’s just not good. The acting is fine, the production values are excellent, and Close in particular commits to her character in a way that makes watching her fun. But overall, the story is flat and swings between too predictable and completely unbelievable. Close stars as Albert Nobbs, a hotel butler in 19^th century Ireland who stashes money under the floorboards and dreams of opening a tobacco shop. But Nobbs has a secret—he’s really a woman who has been living in drag for years in order to have an independent life.

This is rich material for sure, dealing with issues of gender, class, and the alluring but maybe not possible “American dream” from the dreamer’s perspective. While Nobbs wants to own his own business and be independent, Joe (Aaron Johnson, Kick-Ass) is trying to get to America for his better chance. Caught between them is Helen (Caremia Wasikolligan—I’ve realized that Carey Mulligan and Mia Wasikowska are the same person), a maid at the hotel that has caught Nobbs’ eye and Joe’s fancy. Added into the mix for good measure is Hubert Page (Janet McTeer, Tumbleweeds), a painter hired by the hotel who turns out to share the same secret as Nobbs.

The central problem with Albert Nobbs is that neither Close nor McTeer is especially convincing as a man. Close tries really hard but it’s just so odd that it’s hard to believe Nobbs has successfully hoodwinked all these people for so long. Secondly, Nobbs’ romance with Helen is flat and uninteresting. There’s no chemistry—which is starkly highlighted by Joe, who generates heat with his suspenders he’s so sexy—and there’s no real reason that Nobbs wants Helen. He doesn’t particularly need her nor does he seem to really desire her as anything other than a prop. Which is largely the problem. Everything, even the gender-bending, feels like a prop. For such a ripe story, Albert Nobbs is weirdly un-engaging and lacks any real urgency, which is mostly the director’s fault—his pacing is horrible—but a little blame has to go to Close and co-writer John Banville (The Last September).

That said, I will always be grateful to Albert Nobbs for giving us this:

Mission: Impossible – Ghost Protocol

It’s silly, yes. And it’s kind of stupid, if you think about it for more than three seconds. And the technology is ludicrous and doesn’t exist. And Ethan Hunt would have for sure died after the first time he smashed his head into an immovable object, let alone the third and fourth times. But goddammit, Mission: Impossible – Ghost Protocol is good. It’s fun. It—despite many instances beyond the suspension of disbelief—works. This is largely down to director Brad Bird (Ratatouille, The Incredibles), an animation man taking his first stab at live action. And holy hell, what a stab he takes. Bird can direct the shit out of an action sequence, which is enormously helpful as MI4 is largely just action sequences linked loosely by the skimpiest of plots, but he also has a real knack for comic timing, which serves to relieve the action sequences of their burden and also keep the story clicking along at a nice pace. And his IMAX photography is well worth the ticket up-charge. This is one worth seeing in IMAX for the Burj Khalifa sequence alone.

Tom Cruise is still believable as super agent extraordinaire Ethan Hunt, though there is something darling about the scene where he takes his shirt off and shows us his muscles. Look how hard he’s sucking in! It’s almost cute. In contrast, new-to-the-franchise Jeremy Renner (The Town, The Hurt Locker) never takes his clothes off yet manages to showcase a much more appealing physique—look at his cute butt! Less than a decade separates Renner and Cruise—neither spring chickens—yet Renner manages to come off as less desperate and doesn’t make me nearly as sad as Cruise does. Tommy, please stop taking your shirt off and asking me to be attracted to you. That’s never going to happen. Especially with Jeremy Renner’s cute butt around.

Joining Renner and Cruise this time around are Simon Pegg (Star Trek, Hot Fuzz) and Paula Patton (Precious), and Michael Nyqvist (The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo), who is doomed to forever play bad guys thanks to his accent. Pegg is particularly effective as comic relief—as he always is—and he has good chemistry with Cruise that should ensure his presence in future MI movies. Patton, while shockingly gorgeous, is slightly off to me. She has no chemistry with anyone. And I don’t mean romantic chemistry, I mean she hits a consistently flat note throughout the movie. Her best scene is when she confronts an assassin and isn’t dealing with anyone else on the team. It’s nothing Patton is doing wrong—she’s a fine actress and a believable physical presence—she’s just miscast within this ensemble. Still, MI4 is easily my pick for “crowd pleasingest holiday movie”.

My Week with Marilyn

Like Albert Nobbs, My Week with Marilyn showcases some stellar acting and strong production values, but the movie overall doesn’t quite live up to the sum of its best parts. Michelle Williams is really terrific as Marilyn Monroe, though for my money, it was Kenneth Branagh’s work as Laurence Olivier that made it for me. He had the best lines and delivered them in an accent that slid from the crustiest of upper-crust to something considerably rougher and lower-class. The way he said “mo-see-un pic-toor” killed me. Week traces the making of The Prince and the Showgirl, which was directed by Olivier and was supposed to be the movie that showed that Monroe was a real actress. Instead, it’s best remembered for its behind the scenes fireworks between Olivier and Monroe, who was already sinking into the drug abuse that would eventually kill her. The story is taken from the published diaries of Colin Clark, the third assistant director on the film, who claims he was responsible for “managing” Monroe and that he and she had a brief romance after her then-husband, playwright Arthur Miller, returned to the US.

As Colin, Eddie Redmayne (Tony Award winner for Red) acquits himself nicely though his role consists of little more than mooning after Marilyn. Similarly, Dougray Scott (oh my god, remember Ever After?!) is effective as Miller and Dominic Cooper (Tamara Drewe) is good as Monroe’s manager. Julia Ormond and Judi Dench have small parts as Vivien Leigh and Dame Sybil Thorndike, respectively, and Emma Watson has a glorified cameo as a wardrobe assistant on the film. Consistently, the acting is solid throughout but Williams and Branagh make everything worth watching. Also, Williams sings a couple songs and unlike Carey Mulligan, who can’t carry a tune, she’s actually good.

The movie has a glossy, slick look and takes advantage of real locations like Pinewood Studios, Eton College (where Redmayne was a classmate of Prince William), and the Clark family’s home, Saltwood Castle. Unfortunately, there’s a big black mark for the wig department since Williams’ wig line is clearly visible throughout the movie, which is distracting and disappointing for a performance of this caliber. Williams doesn’t exude the effortless sexiness that was Monroe’s trademark, it’s true, but she nails the emotional fragility and mercurial moods perfectly. She’s especially effective in the scenes where Monroe is out of her mind on prescription drugs, which works well as an understated harbinger of doom. We don’t need to see Marilyn shoving pills down her throat since Williams does such a good job of capturing her drugged out state. Conversely, she’s equally effective when portraying the “on” Marilyn Monroe, all bubbly laugh and smiles. The voice isn’t a carbon copy of the real Marilyn Monroe, but it’s a near approximation that actually did not annoy me.

If you’re into Marilyn Monroe, Michelle Williams, or Kenneth Branagh, My Week with Marilyn is worth it just for Branagh and Williams, but the movie itself isn’t must-see cinema. It drags at points and the scenes of Colin and Marilyn enjoying a date day are actually the least interesting of the whole movie. Week works best when Monroe and Olivier are setting each other off with Colin caught in the middle, trying to placate a bunch of moody actors who need constant handholding and emotional support. One thing Week does get completely right is how exhausting it is to handle actors. Given the film’s time frame—1956—we’re able to leave Marilyn Monroe years before her life took a really sad turn, but Williams puts enough into her performance to forewarn of the coming tragedy, which makes for a bittersweet conclusion.

Young Adult

Now here’s a movie where the total effort wholly lives up to the powerhouse performance at the center of the film. Charlize Theron comes back from her sabbatical as Mavis Gary, a young adult ghost writer and all around awful person. As written by Diablo Cody (Juno), Mavis is hard to like. As played by Theron, she’s nigh on impossible to care for. This is as emotionally ugly a performance as you’ll find this year—and one of the most willfully unflattering performances in recent memory—and Theron absolutely shines as the ultimate Queen B. Still, Theron does mine some complicated issues with Mavis, namely alcoholism and what happens to little girls who don’t live out their Prince Charming fantasies. Mavis Gary is a prime example of why raising a daughter to believe marrying Mr. Right is the goal can be a dangerous endgame. Theron deserves every ounce of notice she’s getting for the performance.

Yet for all that Theron throws down, it’s comedian Patton Oswalt who holds up the film. Oswalt is a scathing, tremendous comedian with almost no compare. That he’s capable of real acting, too, is almost unfair. As Matt Freehauf, Oswalt is the emotional core of the film and he delivers on his end of the bargain. From the very beginning he is Mavis’s moral conscience—or he tries to be. The victim of a vicious high school beating—huge props to Cody for not overplaying this but there is subtle inference that Mavis was perhaps partially responsible for inciting hate against Matt—he is left leaning on a crutch, permanently disabled and embittered. When Mavis accuses him of using his injury as a reason to hide from life, she’s not wrong, but Matt is equally right when he lays into her for not really understanding or acknowledging what happened to him. Oswalt infuses Matt with a rich inner life—this is a guy who probably could’ve gotten out of town and made something of himself if he hadn’t been beaten to a pulp and left for dead. As it is, he brews bourbon in his garage and makes mutant action figures as a hobby while living with his sister. Oswalt’s performance is every bit as worthy as Theron’s and their scenes together are some of the most satisfying of the year.

I had a lot of issues with Juno, most relating to Cody’s intolerable and precious use of slang, and I’m happy to report that Young Adult does not suffer from the same affliction. This is a considerably more grown up movie and Cody shows a lot of maturity as a writer. I still want to yell at her for using cutesy names you wouldn’t hear in the real world—show me a baby or an old lady named Mavis and I’d buy it but not a thirty-something—but she abandons the tweepulsive tendencies that sank Juno. As directed by Jason Reitman (Up in the Air, Juno), Young Adult zips along Mavis’s determined path of self destruction—the staging of her climactic confrontation with the wife of her high school love (Elizabeth Reaser, The Twilight Saga) is painful and hard to watch and it perfectly captures why I think pity is the worst thing you can feel for a person. This is not uplifting holiday fare, but Young Adult is absolutely worth a trip to the theater.

Say what you will about the Oscars—and I do say plenty—at the end of the day, the Academy is trying to nominate and reward excellence in filmmaking. Like any large body politic, there are varying opinions on what qualifies as “excellence”, but the Academy often goes for little movies no one saw over blockbusters that draw ratings because they genuinely feel like ratings shouldn’t matter in the process (well, some of them feel that way). But the Hollywood Foreign Press Association, a shadowy organization with almost no transparency, has increasingly become a group driven by the desire to be the biggest party on the block, with the most glittering people in glittering dresses, quality and artistic merit be damned. Case in point: Madonna’s universally derided W.E. received multiple nominations.

There’s no use bemoaning the lack of this or that—the HFPA will always nominate whoever they think will show up on the night and drink and party with them. They’re notoriously easy to lobby and they really don’t care what we think of them or their nominations because they’re getting everything they want out of this transaction. That said, I give them credit that this year’s line up is considerably less insane than last year’s. That’s the benefit of a year in which there is no clear-cut favorite, and the closest thing to a masterpiece (Drive) is highly divisive—it makes for a more open, richer field of nominees. Now, onto the breakdown. You can see the complete list of nominees here.

Best Drama
The Descendants
The Help
Hugo
The Ides of March
Moneyball
War Horse

Why are there six nominees here and only five everywhere else? I call bullshit! All of these are future Oscar nominees, except for The Ides of March which only on here to get George Clooney to show up.

Best Comedy/Musical
50/50
The Artist
Bridesmaids
Midnight in Paris
My Week with Marilyn

50/50! Yay! A well deserved nomination. But why is My Week with Marilyn on here? When was that movie funny? Or is it a musical because Michelle Williams sang at the beginning and danced a little? Also, I love that we live in a world in which we can pretend that Bridesmaids is even half as good as 50/50, or even The Artist. I didn’t super love The Artist, but then, I’m a nostalgia-hating monster with no soul (more on this later).

Best Animated Film
Arthur Christmas
Cars 2
Rango
Puss in Boots
The Adventures of Tintin

Rango is my favorite cartoon of the year, and even though the HFPA and the Academy have nothing to do with one another, the Academy’s debate about where to categorize TinTin will be affected by its placement among animated films. And honestly, Spielberg better be crossing his fingers that neither TinTin nor War Horse win any major awards so that he can clean house with Lincoln in 2013.

Best Foreign Language Film
The Flowers of War
In the Land of Blood and Honey
The Kid With a Bike
A Separation
The Skin I Live In

Angelina Jolie’s In the Land of Blood and Honey irritates some people as it’s an American production, but the key word here is language. No one is ever happy with that category because either you have “language”, which means it only has to be in Not-English, or you say “best foreign film” which opens the door to English-language productions. People bitch either way. They should just call this category what they really want it to be: Best Artsy Fartsy Movie Not In English.

Best Actor in a Drama
George Clooney, The Descendants
Brad Pitt, Moneyball
Ryan Gosling, The Ides of March
Michael Fassbender, Shame
Leonardo DiCaprio, J. Edgar

Upside: The Fassbender! Downside: Leonardo DiCaprio. J. Edgar just wasn’t that good, nor was it his best work. Also, why is The Gos nominated for The Ides of March and not Drive? I thought that the HFPA would be all over Drive.

Best Actor in a Comedy or Musical
Jean Dujardin, The Artist
Brendan Gleeson, The Guard
Joseph Gordon-Levitt, 50/50
Ryan Gosling, Crazy, Stupid, Love.
Owen Wilson, Midnight in Paris

Again with The Gos nominated for a role that isn’t Driver. Also, he was not the lead in Crazy Stupid Love. I am very happy to see that Brendon Gleeson got singled out for his work on The Guard, though, as he turned in a rather brilliant performance and deserves some credit for that. This will be a crazy handsome red carpet with Clooney, Pitt, The Gos, The Fassbender, JGL and stone cold French Fox Jean Dujardin.

Best Supporting Actor in a Motion Picture
Kenneth Branagh, My Week With Marilyn
Albert Brooks, Drive
Jonah Hill, Moneyball
Christopher Plummer, Beginners
Viggo Mortensen, A Dangerous Method

A blow to Andy Serkis’ “take my ping pong ball suit seriously” campaign as he and Rise of the Planet of the Apes are snubbed. Kenneth Branagh was really fantastic as Laurence Olivier in Marilyn, and I’m glad that Jonah Hill got some notice for Moneyball, but why Albert Brooks? I just didn’t think he was the best part of Drive.

Best Actress in a Drama
Glenn Close, Albert Nobbs
Viola Davis, The Help
Rooney Mara, The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo
Meryl Streep, The Iron Lady
Tilda Swinton, We Need to Talk About Kevin

This is a great line up and it gives some life to Glenn Close’s Oscar hopes. And we get everybody’s newest hate-on, Rooney Mara, in the mix, too. You know she’s going to have to work really hard to stop herself from saying, “This is the realization of everything I deserve.”

Best Actress in a Musical or Comedy
Jodie Foster, Carnage
Charlize Theron, Young Adult
Kristen Wiig, Bridesmaids
Michelle Williams, My Week with Marilyn
Kate Winslet, Carnage

The Carnage love feels a little out of left field, doesn’t it? And I love that we live in a world in which we can pretend that Kristen Wiig could beat any of these other ladies in an acting competition. Although she does really deserve a writing nod for Bridesmaids and I’m a little surprised she didn’t get that.

Best Supporting Actress in a Motion Picture
Shailene Woodley, The Descendants
Octavia Spencer, The Help
Janet McTeer, Albert Nobbs
Berenice Bejo, The Artist
Jessica Chastain, The Help

Janet McTeer! Speaking of left field, but that’s a solid nomination. Everyone is talking about Melissa McCarthy’s snub in this category, but having seen all of these performances—they’re all better than she was. Yes, she was funny. Yes, she displayed some balls. No, Melissa McCarthy did not give the best supporting performance of the year.

Best Director
Woody Allen, Midnight in Paris
George Clooney, The Ides of March
Michel Hazanavicius, The Artist
Alexander Payne, The Descendants
Martin Scorsese, Hugo

As to be expected.

Best Screenplay for a Motion Picture
Woody Allen, Midnight in Paris
Michel Hazanavicius, The Artist
Alexander Payne, Nat Faxon, Jim Rash, Kaui Hart Hemmings, The Descendants
Steve Zallian, Aaron Sorkin, Stan Chervin, Michael Lewis, Moneyball
George Clooney, Grant Heslov, Beau Willimon, The Ides of March

As to be expected, though I continue to be surprised that the HFPA ignored Wiig and Annie Mumolo for Bridesmaids. I would definitely trade The Ides of March for a Bridesmaids nomination.

Best Original Score in a Motion Picture
Ludovic Bource, The Artist
Abel Korzeniowski, W.E.
Trent Reznor and Atticus Ross, The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo
Howard Shore, Hugo
John Williams, War Horse

W.E.? Are you shitting me? Why not just send Madonna a nice fruit basket and ask her to come?

Best Original Song in a Motion Picture
“Hello Hello,” Gnomeo & Juliet
“The Keeper,” Machine Gun Preacher
“Lay Your Head Down,” Albert Nobbs
“The Living Proof,” The Help
“Masterpiece,” W.E.

Machine Gun Preacher but not The Muppets? Yeah, okay. And again, W.E.? I’m telling you, a nice fruit basket would be just as effective.